Why I was so mad at my body and how I found healing

 February 24, 2023

Getting pregnant

I never thought about if I was going to be able to get pregnant. I never thought it was going to be an issue. To be honest, I was more consumed with finding a husband. I always figured it wouldn’t be a problem. My mom had two kids, my grandmother had two kids, my aunt had two kids. I didn’t think that getting pregnant would be the issue. If every woman in my family got pregnant without a problem, why would getting pregnant be an issue for me?

The start of my fertility journey

So, when I started to have irregular cycles and things just felt a little off, I decided to start thinking about freezing my eggs. I was still single, still dating, and although I wanted a family, I was still hoping to find the guy first. I still didn’t think there was anything wrong though. I had just started recovering from a bad GI flare, which was brought on by stress, and so I just thought that my irregular cycles were from that. When I discussed all of this with my OBGYN she did say it was time to start thinking about my fertility and consider freezing eggs.

The news I received about my fertility was devastating. I was given a very small chance of having my own child. I was told to go straight to using a donor egg because having my own child was probably not going to happen for me. I was devastated. I only wanted to freeze my eggs, preserve my fertility, because I wasn’t married. I knew I always wanted to be a mom but for me I also wanted to be married and to share parenthood with someone. I had thought about having a child on my own, but I wasn’t quite sure or ready to embark on single parenthood. Was I ready to be a mom? What does donor egg mean? How come I can’t just freeze my eggs? Suddenly I was faced with having to make quick decisions about my fertility and about my future.

Feeling betrayed by my body

While I was having to make some quick decisions about my fertility, all I could think of was how my body was betraying me. How was I always told as a female that your body is born to make a baby, to make your own baby. How could my body just let me down like this? How could my body not do the very thing it’s made to do. The very thing everyone said not to worry about. And why do I have to have the body that doesn’t do what it is supposed to do? The questions just kept coming. And these questions would just spiral into even more questions. I know now that these questions don’t have any answers. The bottom line was anger. I was mad. I was mad that my body wasn’t functioning the way it was supposed to. I was mad that I would have to be the one to go through this kind of pain. I was mad that my body was not going to be strong like so many others. Boy was I very wrong about that last statement.

Fertility and Anger

Anger is a common emotion for all of us. It is even more understandable when you are going through fertility struggles and fertility treatments. When you are first diagnosed and realize that having a child of your own is going to be a huge mountain to climb and that there is no guarantee it will happen the anger begins. And mostly that anger is directed inwards to yourself and towards your body. It is not an easy thing to overcome but I realized how necessary it is to identify this anger so that it does not consume you and so you can support your fertility.

Why your mindset matters and how to make peace with your fertility

Mindset is so important during your fertility journey. If your mind and body are disconnected, then your body isn’t able to do what it needs to do and that can have an impact on your fertility or the success of your treatments. Constant anger towards your body can create negative feelings about your body. These negative feelings can increase your body’s cortisol or stress response, which could have a negative impact on your fertility. The more your body is under stress the more likely it won’t be able to relax and give the energy it needs to the process. This is why making peace with your body and your fertility diagnosis is almost necessary to optimizing your fertility. I know it is not going to be easy, but it is important. Here are a few things you can do to help support your body and make peace with your fertility journey.

Acknowledge and Accept

It is okay to say I am mad. It is okay to say why me. It is okay to say I am angry right now. It is okay to acknowledge your emotions and what you are feeling especially in a given moment. But what is more important is managing those negative feelings. Once you acknowledge these emotions and allow yourself some time to feel, it is important to accept this moment so you can move past that emotion instead of allowing that emotion to keep you stuck. For example, tell yourself, “I am angry that today I have to be the one that deals with infertility and this sucks, but I am going to practice some self-care today to feel better”.

Allow yourself time to grieve so you can stay in the present

A fertility diagnosis can shake up your whole world. Knowing that it will be a painful and difficult journey to motherhood, while others around you get pregnant so easily, can be consuming and can create emotions that you don’t really want to have. Remember it is okay to feel how you are feeling. Allow yourself some time to grieve after receiving your diagnosis. Allow yourself some time to be sad and to be angry. But then work through those feelings to give yourself the best chance that you have at the options you have. IVF was my only option but after a lot of crying and screaming I helped myself put my energy into making the best of my situation so I could succeed at it. I didn’t want to put my energy into the past because I had no control over this diagnosis or what was, but I could focus my energy on what was right now. Stay in the moment.  

Self-Care

Self-care is so necessary when struggling with fertility and while going through IVF. IVF can create so much stress in our lives and can make you feel detached from your body. IVF can make you feel angry and irritable. It can make you more aware of your body and what it is and not capable of doing. Make a list of things that you like to do and that make you feel good. Refer back to this list during your journey and during an IVF cycle. This will help you feel more in touch with the real you, with who you were before the fertility diagnosis. Go watch a tv show you like, take a walk outside in the fresh air, put on some music and dance. Whatever it is practice some self-care for you!

Gratitude

One other thing you can do to release the anger towards your body is give your body some grace. Remember to thank your body for all that it is doing even though it is not the way you imagined the journey would be. Give your body thanks for all that it is physically and emotionally enduring while going through IVF. Remind yourself of the things your body is capable of like taking multiple injections, blood draws and still finding time to go for a walk on a sunny day. That is a win! Remember that the more you fuel your internal dialogue with positive statements the more likely your body will feel lighter and less bogged down with stress.

Find strength in the journey

In the end we may always be sad towards our bodies and wish that we could get pregnant the way we had always imagined. But remember what I said earlier about being so angry with my body for not being strong and how wrong I was for making that statement. My fertility journey was long, it was hard, and it was painful. There was so much loss, so much grief to handle. But what I discovered through the process was just how strong I was and how strong my body was. I realized that the more I focused on connecting my mind and body the more my body was able to focus on what it needed to. The more I gave my body gratitude and grace the more I felt better. And the more I felt better, the more in control I was of this whole process. 

Need more support during your IVF cycle and fertility journey? Fiercely Fertile is here to help you! Sign up for my online course Optimizing your Fertility and IVF Cycle to learn specific mental skills I use with top athletes to support your fertility mindset, help reduce your stress, and help you feel more in control during your journey or check out my coaching packages for more individualized help. And follow on Instagram for more helpful tips!