Here we go again on our own…

Here we go again. Cycle after cycle. Loss after loss. How much can we keep going through?

If you have ever gone through IVF or are going through IVF right now you probably understand those statements and that question. You probably have asked yourself the same question several times throughout your journey or even just thought about it a few times. I mean if we are being really honest you probably have thought about it every day while going through your journey. And that is because IVF is just freaking hard. 

I went through 8 cycles to have our first child and every time I kept telling myself this would be the last time. Like I don’t know how I can continue putting myself through this again and again. And each time we got bad news, or a cycle failed, I somehow found the strength to keep going again. 

I remember one cycle where I ovulated through the medicine. The whole week we were thinking we would be triggering on Sunday, which was Valentine’s Day. I felt all the feels! All the signs that I was headed towards a retrieval. was feeling more bloated (a good sign during the stimming phase of an IVF cycle because feeling bloated usually means that things are growing and getting bigger, i.e., your follicles are growing bigger) and although I know I don’t make a lot of eggs I felt like I was headed in the right direction with the cycle. 

I guess after you go through as many IVF cycles as I had gone through by this point you just start to learn how your body responds to the medicine. I just felt like all the signs were pointing in the right direction of triggering soon.

During this particular cycle, there was a dominant follicle taking the lead. This was usually the case for me. The eggs that I did have growing would grow at different stages and sizes. This would mean that we were mostly always taking a gamble during each cycle, trying to weigh out continuing the stims to see what could continue to grow, basically if we could get more eggs versus triggering because there was a more dominant and bigger follicle present. This is not always the ideal situation for an IVF cycle but that is what my body would do. Partly my body didn’t love the meds and partly this is my diagnosis and my fertility issue… I just don’t make a lot of eggs. But my body would be rather stubborn and difficult most cycles! IVF was just always difficult for me, and each cycle always would pose a new challenge!

So here we are Sunday morning 8am on Valentine’s Day ready to get news we will be triggering tonight and instead I see the doctors face as we started the ultrasound, and I knew something wasn’t right. Panic set in. What could be wrong I thought. I took my medicine today, yesterday.  Did you feel something change the doctor asked? Did something happen the doctor asked? He started asking a bunch of questions you don’t want to be asked while in an ultrasound during an IVF cycle. 

I’m so sorry he said but there’s nothing here. You ovulated. What! Wait what! Wait really what! 

Forget panic at this point. Sheer numbness and shock took over. I was dumfounded. I was speechless. I was angry. I was sad.

The entire point of this medicine is to not let me ovulate! Oh the bleep bleep bleep very many choice words occurred in this moment! There is a medicine that you take during the stim phase of your IVF cycle when the follicles reach a certain point or your estrogen level reaches a certain number to ensure you won’t ovulate.

So we walked out of the doctor’s office like zombies. We drove our 45 min drive home from the doctor’s office in silence. We got home and opened chocolate (which neither of us had been able to eat for a while because when you are going through fertility treatments and struggles you can’t be eating chocolate!) and cried. 

I mean what else do you do on Valentine’s Day after ovulating through your IVF cycle and you are not able to eat chocolate, dairy, or alcohol for weeks! 

We were beyond upset, there was no question about that. I mean what were you supposed to do though. You just get upset. You get angry. You get sad. This was our 7th cycle. We knew what to expect. We were prepared for the IVF roller coaster ride. I mean the ride never gets easier. 

Man, I hate that ride. I’ll sit this one out thank you! The thing about IVF is you can’t sit it out. You gotta get on every single packed line in the amusement park. You gotta sit on those lines and wait your turn. All while praying it’s going to be worth the wait. The ride won’t disappoint, and you’ll be filled with excitement after you get off. I’m here to say this amusement park sucks. And IVF sucks even more. 

But sometimes after waiting in line for a long time you catch a break and you get up to the front and you see why it was worth it. Transfer day is coming. Your baby is coming. Stay positive. Stay focused. Stay fiercely fertile. 

My course can help! I can help teach you skills you can use before, during and after your ivf cycle and especially during your fertility journey to stay in a positive mindset and reframe thoughts that turn into actions.